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Hairy General Jokes
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There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
 
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1st Pirate           :           Those are nice earrings

2nd Pirate          :           Yes, they are, aren’t they?

1st Pirate           :           How much did those earrings cost you?

1st Pirate           :           Two Dollars

2nd Pirate          :           That’s not bad for a buccaneer.

 

Why are pirate called pirates?

Because they aaaaaaaare.

 

A man goes into a chip shop with a cod under his arm.

“Have you got any fish cakes?”

“No, sorry, I’ve just sold the last one.”

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday.”

 

A duck goes into a pub.

“Have you got any grapes?” he asks.

“No,” says the landlord.

“Oh,” says the duck.

Next day, the duck goes into the pub.

“Have you got any grapes?” he asks.

“No,” says the landlord.  “I told you yesterday.  I don’t sell grapes.”

“Oh,” says the duck.

Next day, the duck goes into the pub.

“Have you got any grapes?” he asks.

“No,” says the landlord.  “I don’t sell grapes.  This is a pub.  We sell wine, but we don’t sell grapes.”

“Oh,” says the duck.

Next day, the duck goes into the pub.

“Have you got any grapes?” he asks.

“No,” says the landlord.  “I’m getting sick of this.  If you come in tomorrow asking for grapes, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to that floor.”

“Oh,” says the duck.

Next day, the duck goes into the pub.

“Have you got any nails?” he asks.

“NO!” says the landlord.  “I have not got any bloody nails.”

“Got any grapes?”

 

I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said Waiter, "I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

 

A man goes into a pub with a newt on his shoulder.

The landlord says, “That’s a nice newt.  What do you call it?”

The man says, “Tiny.”

“Why do you call it Tiny,” asks the landlord.

“Because it’s my newt.”

 

I was in Asda and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?"

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

 

A woman goes into a pub and says “I’d like a double entendre please.”

The barman says “I’ll give you

 one later.”

 

A man goes to work at a zoo.

Because it’s his first day, they only give him little animals and he’s sent to work on the bees.

Unfortunately, all the bees die.

So he goes to see the head keeper and says:

“I’ve been to feed the bees like you told me and they’ve all died!”

“Oh my God,” says the head keeper.  “Okay, keep quiet about.  What I want you to do is mush up all the bees and go and feed them to the piranhas.”

So he mushes up all the bees and feeds them to the piranhas.

Unfortunately, all the piranhas die.

So he goes to see the head keeper and says:

“I’ve been to feed the piranhas like you told me and they’ve all died!”

“Oh my God,” says the head keeper.  “Okay, keep quiet about.  What I want you to do is take all the piranhas and go and feed them to the chimps.”

So he takes up all the fish and feeds them to the chimps.

Unfortunately, all the chimps die.

So he goes to see the head keeper and says:

“I’ve been to feed the chimps like you told me and they’ve all died!”

“You’ve got to be joking,” says the head keeper.  “This is your last chance, take all the chimps and go and feed them to the lions.”

So he takes up all the fish and feeds them to the chimps.

But the lions see him coming and one says:

“Oh no, not chimps fish and mushy bees again.”

 

A man goes into a pet shop and says:

“I’d like to buy a wasp.”

“Sorry,” says the owner.  “We don’t sell wasps.”

“You’ve got one in the window.”

 

I’ve got a friend at Sheffield University.  He’s an expert on wasps.

One day he’s walking past Rare and Racy and he sees in the shop an old vinyl record in the window called “The Sound Of Wasps”.

So he thinks, I’m an expert on wasps, that’s the album for me.

So he goes in and he buys it.

Almost distraught with anticipation, he gets home, finds an old turntable and puts on the record.

Buzz, buzz, buzz, goes the album.

Hold on, says my friend.  They’re not wasps, I’m an expert on wasps and they’re not wasps.

So he takes it back to Rare and Racy.

The guy there puts it on the turntable and listens for a minute.

“Ah,” says the man.  “I see your problem.  You’re playing the bee side.”

 

What square, white and has yellow and red check trousers?

Rupert the Fridge.

 

What do you call a bear with no paw?

Rupert the Bastard.

 

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well," says the doctor, "You can't say fairer than that then."

 

Once upon a little purple morning a little purple man got out of his little purple bed.  Then he got little purple dressed in his little purple clothes.

He little purple went down his little purple stairs into his little purple kitchen.

There, he little purple put some little purple cornflakes into his little purple bowl.  He put some little purple milk on his little purple cornflakes and little purple ate his little purple breakfast.

Then he little purple got into his little purple car and little purple drove down the little purple road down to the little purple harbour.

Then he little purple got into his little purple boat and he little purple rowed across the little purple sea.

And as he little purple rowed across little purple sea he little purple rowed into a little purple rock.

And his little purple boat sank into the little purple sea and the little purple man little purple swam across little purple sea and little purple got onto the little purple rock.

“Goodness,” he said.  “I’m marooned!”

 

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste  funny to you?'

Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doctor says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

 

A woman takes her dog to the vets.

“I’m sorry,” says the vet.  “There’s nothing I can do for him.”

“That’s not good enough,” says the woman.  “I want a second opinion.”

So the vet sends for a golden Labrador.

The Labrador prods the dog a couple of times and barks.

“See,” says the vet.  “No hope.”

“That’s not good enough,” says the woman.  “I want a third opinion.”

So the vet sends for little black cat.

The cat runs it paws over the dog and meows.

“See,” says the vet.  “Same response.”

“That’s not good enough,” says the woman.  “I want a fourth opinion.”

“I’m sorry,” says the vet.  “You’ll have to go somewhere else.  But first you’ll have to settle the bill.  It’ll be £460.”

“£460!”

“Yes, you’ve had my opinion, a Lab test and a CAT scan.”

 

Two fish in a tank.

One says, “How do you drive this thing.”

 

Two parrots on a perch.

One says, “Can you smell fish.”

 

The world origami championships were on Sky,

I didn’t watch them, they were paper view.

 

What is the most common type of owl?

The teet.

 

I went to visit an inflatable school.  It had inflatable buildings, inflatable teachers and inflatable kids.

I went with the inflatable headteacher into an inflatable classroom to watch an inflatable lesson.

Suddenly one of the inflatable kids went mad and drew a knife.  He slashed the inflatable teacher and ran from the room.

The inflatable headteacher and I ran after him and as he went he stuck his knife in the inflatable school.

We caught up with him and he stabbed the inflatable headteacher.

Suddenly overcome by remorse, he turned the knife on himself, and I said;

“You’ve let your teacher down, you’ve let the school down, you’ve let your headteacher down, but worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”

 

Dave Hasselhof is appearing on Parkinson.

"Is there anything that you don't want to answer questions on?" asks Parky.

"Not really, but there is one thing, I do prefer to be called The Hoff.  Is that OK?"

"It's no hassle."

 

 A lorry carrying scrabble tiles has shed its load on the M1.  Police say not to worry, they're not expecting many queues.

 

 

 

 

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